Raymonn came clean tonight. He fessed up. Saturday night while I was gone in Vegas he told me the truth… he had a babysitter come watch Prayse.

Why was my first reaction panic? Literally, my heart started to immediately race and I had to calm myself down. Why was that? The girl he had come watch her is really nice. I’ve been around her a few different times and I know she loves Prayse. P gets along with anyone and everyone so I’m sure she had fun.

I think it was the fact that a some-what stranger was in my house, watching my daughter, and I didn’t know about it. Kind of makes me mad, again a reaction I had to talk myself out of.  It obviously turned out well. Raymonn “says” he’s going to take me on a date in a few weeks. It’s been since October so I’ll believe it when I see it.

I wonder if my reaction has to do with the fact that for the first time I was gone gone. Not just one night, but three nights away from P and it sucked being away but I knew she was with her Daddy so I felt okay about it. Now to know that for awhile she wasn’t, she was with someone she doesn’t know. For that instant it sucked the air out of me and I’m kind of still dealing with it.

Strange isn’t it?

I also think my feelings have to do with the fact that I have to go away again. Next week I have to be in Arkansas for work. For the whole week. It makes me want to cry, honestly. I have this feeling in my chest when I think about it and I just want to be with P, to squeeze her tight. I just got back and now I have to go again. I can’t talk with anyone at work about it, they are on the road all the time missing their families. They give up time with their kids so that I can go home to mine every night. They sacrifice their family time for mine. And here I am upset that I have to be gone for a week.

I can’t help it though, I can’t help this tightness, the sadness, even though I know that my job pays the bills, it is the reason we have a 401K, life insurance, disability insurance, IRAs, savings… Our jobs are the reason we have a house, electricity, air conditioning, cars, food… and here I am complaining. What a lousy person I am.

Still though, I am a Mom first and last. And I have a right to miss my baby and complain about missing out on every moment. It’s my prerogative.

Then…

Now…

Then…

Now…

Then…

Enough said.

I’m still here! We’re just recuperating from a house full of company (eight of us… two bedroom town home… thank goodness we have 3 bathrooms). I have so many cute pictures from Prayse’s party and so many thoughts running through my mind. She seems more mature just one day after turning one. She also seems to be learning really well how to stand in the brink of a temper tantrum! Girlfriend has a definite opinion that she is not afraid to share! I’ll try and post pictures and thoughts tonight. Being gone from work for a day only to return for two and then off to VEGAS BABY!! I am hoping to have a real vacation. A true blue vaca where I don’t answer my phone if it says “Unknown” and I don’t check my email. We’ll see if it works out…How’s this for beautiful? Miss P is chillin in her new chair. 

July 13, 2007… we got the party started.

Earlier this evening I started to feel some back pain but just wrote it off, what full-term pregnant lady doesn’t have back pain? I did notice that was something different but I’m not about to get my hopes up… not with this baby’s history of giving me hope and then snatching it away at the last minute!

I kept trying to relax with a heat pack on my back and thought I was starting to feel some slight contractions. Again, nothing special about this. My night took a different turn at 12:06 a.m. I was up and out of bed, no way could I lay still through whatever was happening! The contractions started at about 13 minutes apart and we’re slowly but surely closing that delta. 

NOTE: We’ve been down this path before, this chica usually changes her mind mid-way through the party. Keep in mind this could all be for nothing and I’ll have another post tomorrow that says “False Alarm… Again”

Another fun tidbit of my night:  All I wanted this evening was to take a hot shower. Not only for pain management but also just to feel better because who doesn’t feel like a new person after showering? And so the journey officially begins:

1:30 a.m.- No hot water.  Raymonn couldn’t get the pilot light lit, and so the Aquila 24 hour Customer Service/Emergency hotline heard from the Adams household! After listening to the operator tell him three times that we would be charged for a service call if it wasn’t their fault he finally able to get it through their heads that WE DON’T CARE and they send a service guy.

2:45  a.m. Aquila service guy realizes that the gas company had shut off both our gas as well as the empty house next door. Go figure. Leave it for tonight for that to happen! But at least the gas is back on and we’ll have hot water soon!

3:30 a.m. Hot water at last! Who knew what a blessing that would be? Who would also think it’s important to shave their legs at 3:30 a.m. while having contractions?? I’m just sayin…

4:oo a.m. Yes honey it IS important for me to do this load laundry RIGHT NOW! Go back to sleep  I’m so jealous of my husband being able to sleep right now, I’m sure Prayse will get him back later… karma demands it really.

4:35 a.m. I am loving the “Contraction Master” (www.contractionmaster.com). All I have to do is click the space button when a contraction starts and when it stops. It’s recording start time, stop time, duration, and frequency. We’re between 5-7 (sometimes  minutes with contractions lasting approx 1 min 19 seconds. This thing is Raymonn’s God-send whether he realizes it or not, it’s the reason he gets to sleep right now! Why is it that I can only think about whether I’ll have time to blow dry my hair or not?

4:52 a.m. That contraction lasted 2 min 34 seconds… ouchie! I hate that the only thing on TV right now is infomercials. Seeing perfectly sculpted abs, thighs, and butts are not good for the ego at a time like this. Actually, are they EVER good for the ego?

5:33 a.m. We’ve had a half hour of consistent contractions averaging about 4 min apart, 1 min duration… I’m nervous that now we’re starting to slow down. Baby girl I swear for Lord if you are playing another mind game w/ Mama you are grounded!

6:19 a.m. It’s now been six hours, the contractions are anywhere from 2 min to  6 min apart. I’m making Raymonn get up so we can go on a walk, if they stay consistent we’ll call L&D. If not then I’m going to bed and this game sucks. More later… hopefully.

6:58 a.m. Raymonn and I went on a walk and the contractions stayed consistent at about 4 min apart 50 sec-90 sec in length. I called L&D to get their opinion on whether I should come in or not. The nurse completely brought me back to earth telling me that I’m probably just in Early Labor and they’ll send me home but to get it checked out. Sigh… I’ll be back. 

Life has been so busy between work and trying to make a few updates to the house I’ve been taking pictures but not posting them. So while Miss P is sleeping and my in-laws are having breakfast I thought I’d catch you all up! Enjoy!

Me and my “girls” for our big SATC night!

Aren’t we big time??

Mama and Miss P… we really need more of these!

Prayse @ 11 Months. WHAT??? And to think that on Monday she’ll be a year old…

Big girl! No more bottle for me!

“What’s going on Mama?” - I have a bit of a nosey baby!

And here’s my little Sparkler on the 4th of July!

Hanging out with Aunt Chelsea in outfit #2 on the 4th!

What do you mean I can’t have that Pina Colada??

Go! Go! Go!! Mama, let’s go!

“Look Mama! My first birthday card! From my friend Doogal!”

All right friends, more to come lata! We’ll be busy getting everything ready for the big bash! I still can’t believe my baby is turning one. ONE. Amazing.

It is after midnight, it has been a long day, and the alarm clock is set for 5:02 a.m. so I can make it to Kansas City tomorrow morning for a meeting. Still though, this has been on my mind all day and if I don’t write about it now I never will. I am tired of missing the moment.Punk Rock Mommy  lost the battle to cancer this weekend. Cancer sucks, let’s get that straight. I hate it most out of all illnesses. It is heart wrenching, ironically I just started reading her blog this morning and already it has made an impact. There was a final “if you’re reading this, I’ve passed away” entry that stated something so poignant I had to share:“I learned that all the small stuff is very small and not worth your time and attention. Gossip and resentments,worrying about things that never happen, fearing the unknown. Let it go my lovelies, breath and just be good to each other. I realized not long after my diagnosis that life is too short to spend it hurting people and holding onto the anger we have for those around us. I am no doormat, but I just let go of all that hard core resentment. God forgives us through the blood of His Son. He forgives those who hurt us as well.” This was a reality check that was hurled at me as I sat there reading with my chest tight and hurting for a family that I didn’t even know. It is so easy to get caught up in the little things, the petty things. I certainly cannot point out the speck in anyone else’s eye before taking the plank out of my own. So I won’t attempt to do so. But I will say that this echoes so loudly in my own life. I need to recognize more often what is important because there is a man who has lost his best friend and wife. And there are kids who have lost their Mommy.My best friend and husband is downstairs painting so that we can have a fresher look for our house for Prayse’s birthday party. He has been working until 3:00 in the morning all week, just for me. And my lovey is sleeping soundly in her crib. I’ll get to see her smile and have lots of giggles left to share. I am so blessed. I’ll say it again because I need to hear it again and I need to recognize it each and every minute of each and every day. I. Am. So. Blessed. These are the things  hearts and souls that matter. My core. My foundation. I need to share with those I have been fortunate enough to meet and “meet” the same love and respect because they also have families and friends and babes. Nobody is just a computer screen or a blog, nobody is just a colleague. We are all mothers, sisters, grandmas, aunts, friends who have feelings and we’re just trying to get through life and make a difference. We all want a legacy don’t we? I’ll leave you tonight with the quote from Punk Rock Mommy that I hope has been tattooed on my heart:   Let it go my lovelies, breath and just be good to each other.  

Seriously, the house is now over 80 degrees and it is 7:00 a.m. Miss P made it until about 11:30 and then woke up screaming. I can’t blame her, I wanted to do the same. We were able to get our room comfortable at least by moving all the fans in there so we all three slept together. It’s amazing the amount of room two grown adults can give one babe all on a queen size bed! There was no cuddling. Too hot.It reminded me of the time our heater broke in January and it was in the negative wind chill. We had our little 5 month old all bundled up with the space heater near by and just stayed in one area of the house. Seriously, this is why we are trying to do all of these updates. Apparently the $700 we spent on the A/C last year didn’t last long. So, today I will be calling my two favorite Dons:

1. Don Smith- Smith Heating and Air (for obvious reasons)
2. Don Prentice- Prentice Pest Control (found a spider in our bed the other night… that just can’t happen)

 OK, I need a break. Someone else’s turn to be grown-up now! Anyone up for the job?

The 4th was fun, my little Sparkler well… sparkled! I owe you pictures but don’t have time to post them right now. We are on Day 2 of our intense house “face lift.” Prayse is being a little rock star. Since we are doing 95% of the work downstairs she really has been sequestered to our upstairs. I put a gate up so that she can walk from our room to hers, but she hasn’t been able to run around like she normally does. Still though… she has been fun.  My parents came down yesterday and spent the night with us so P has had a great time playing with her Grandma, Grandad and Prayse’s most recent new friend, “Pup-eeeeee!”Oh yeah, did I mention that our air conditioner quit working? We haven’t been able to get the house temperature below 78 today, Prayse is a little sweat ball right now. She is sleeping in her diaper but the poor babe keeps waking up with a sheen of sweat even though I have her ceiling fan on high, the cool humidifier with a fan on high, and another fan oscillating.Oh yeah, AND she has a cold.Oh yeah, ANNNND her two top teeth are starting to cut through.And yet she smiles, and giggles, and laughs. I myself am not smiling, giggling, or laughing and I’m not fighting a cold and cutting teeth. I rest my case:Prayse = Trooper 

Not me. I have always wanted to give blood, but let’s face it. I am a chicken. The thought of a needle and my blood draining out was down right nauseating.  So I thought, this is my chance. I survived child birth, I did fine with an epidural, I can give blood. I knew it may be the last chance I’ll have for the next year (I may or may not be indulging in a Vegas treat which counts me out for the next 12 months…).

So, heart pounding I signed up and stepped into the Blood Mobile.  They took one look at me and pulled out a scale, I had no idea why but was quickly REJECTED. Talk about feeling like a loser! You apparently have to weigh a certain amount and with the weight I have lost post-baby I don’t meet their min quals. You would think that I would have felt relieved, but I’m actually disappointed. I had pumped myself to be a “do-gooder” and was turned down!

I don’t even get the “Be Nice To Me… I Donated Blood Today” sticker. Dang.

Tonight was so much FUN with Prayse!! I’m not sure what made it so special or so different than any other evening, maybe just the fact that it wasn’t Prayse just playing with her toys by herself, but we were interacting and actually playing together. It was awesome, the best high you can ever have I think.Prayse loves books and will bring them to you and plop down in your lap to read them… for about half a sentence. Then it’s off to get another book, and another, and another… I can’t complain though, at least she likes to read! She is even “reading” them by herself, and getting darn good at turning the pages if I do say so myself. More than likely the book will be upside down and the pages will be turned from back to front, but those are minor issues we’ll address later. The fact is that she likes books!She is also becoming such a little girl. Today I stopped by her daycare to play and she went and got a baby doll and kept giving her hugs and pats on the back, too cute. She’s becoming more of a lovey each and every day. Her teachers are loving it and keep commenting on all of the great squeezes they get. She also tonight discovered hair bows, she still kept taking it out every few minutes but then would hand it to me and bend down so I could put it back in her hair. My little Mama’s Girl.I was looking at pictures in Photobucket tonight and was reminded of how little she was!(I had to delete these… something with Photobucket code messes up my formatting. Check out the galleries though and you’ll see super cute pics of Miss P!) For a second, I understood the baby fever my friends have (two of whom are expecting again.. Yay!). I never quite got the baby fever thing because I felt it was (still is) too soon for us. But looking at these pictures and remembering my maternity leave made me realize that there are definitely more babies in our future. We’ve got a few years, but the nostalgia got to me. My mat leave was the best time in my life, ever. I felt complete, I felt like I was where I belonged. But then I think of how fun Miss P is, of how she is growing and changing and becoming more mature day by day and realize that I still need one on one time with her. So her little sister (or brother according to Raymonn) can join us in a few years. Right now our family of three is just perfect!